


Setting the Record Straight

by kennagirl



Series: Candy Cane! [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Inside jokes, Mythical Beings & Creatures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-04
Updated: 2013-12-04
Packaged: 2018-01-02 14:14:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1057757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kennagirl/pseuds/kennagirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pixies have feelings too, you know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Setting the Record Straight

My name is Jewel and I love Christmas. Love, love, LOVE it! You wanna know why? Well, I'll tell you whether you want to know or not. It's because my aunt comes to visit on Christmas. Except she didn't come last year. Or the year before. But she came this year. And she told us why she hadn't come. Apparently, some random guy with blond hair captured her and a bunch of others, then set them loose on a bunch of twelve-year-olds. She was trapped in that building for two years before she found an open window and got out. However, while she was in the building, she found a book containing misinformation about our people. I would like to clarify the assumptions-slash-outright lies reported by Mr. Newton "Newt" Artemis Fido Scamander.

**_Pixie_ **

That was his first mistake. We do not, not, NOT like being called "pixies". We prefer the term quasi-nymph. For goodness sake, I have a half-cousin who's a Nereid and I am a descendant of a sister of Daphne. You know Daphne. You don't know Daphne? She was a dryad. Apollo fell in love with her? Chased her? She turned into a laurel tree? And that's why winners are crowned with laurels, because Apollo loved her so much? See, now you're nodding and saying "Oh, her," but you still have no idea. Well she was a beautiful wood nymph. And I'm descended from one of her sisters. (She turned herself into a tree, remember? She couldn't have kids.)

**_M.O.M. Classification: XXX_ **

First of all, let me point out the triple X subtext. Now, the rating means that a "Competent wizard should cope." The man that caught Auntie Sylvia (that's my aunt!) obviously couldn't cope with a bunch of us, because he ran from the room! And he was supposedly a teacher. Shouldn't he then be a competent wizard? This means one of two things. One, your teachers are so bad, they aren't even competent, which doesn't say much for the future of your race. Or two, we are more dangerous than you claim we are, so we should be given a higher warning. Either way, it's good news for us, bad news for you.

**_The pixie is mostly found in Cornwall, England._ **

Just because we are mostly found in Cornwall, England, does not mean we mainly live in Cornwall, England. True, that's where Auntie Sylvia lives, but there really aren't that many. The Cornish just aren't very good at hiding themselves. I live in a forest near the Durmstrang Institute. We actually have cities that extend far underground. I live near the surface in a root structure that holds about 15 million currently. Auntie Sylvia lives actually in the branches of a really old tree on the outskirts of a farm. The biggest one is called Pastelitos. It holds about 300 million in a tree on someone's front lawn in Rio de Janeiro. There are only 200 million in all of Cornwall, so ha ha.

**_Electric Blue in colour,_ **

Color varies by region. I am teal. My dad is a deep sapphire (he's from southern Russia) and Mum's cyan (she's American).

**_up to eight inches in height,_ **

Ex-squeeze me. I am eight-and-a-quarter inches, thank you very much. Daddy is a full eight-and-a-half.

**_and very mischievous,_ **

Okay. That one is true.

**_the pixie delights in tricks and practical jokes of all descriptions._ **

One of my favorite ongoing tricks is played on one school boy at Durmstrang in particular. I hide myself in his hair and start saying something over and over. The first time, he turned around and was all, "Who's Curtis?" Now, when I start talking, he just turns around and looks at the clock. The really funny thing is, other students can hear me, and they've started doing it, too.

**_Although wingless, it can fly_ **

Of course we can fly. We're magic.

**_and has been known to seize unwary humans by the ears and deposit them at the tops of tall trees and buildings._ **

That is so much fun, fun, FUN! Usually, my friends and I just stick with the students up at the school, but, when we went on a group trip to America, there was this giant, open building and this blonde girl was singing on the stage. She said something about having "the best of both worlds," so we figured out she was a half-blood. So we flew down, grabbed her ears, and hung her from a metal bar in the building. But then she slipped off and fell and people screamed. She was probably fine. It was only twenty feet. Any decent witch could easily cast a cushioning charm.

**_Pixies produce a high-pitched jabbering intelligible only to other pixies._ **

Wrong, wrong, WRONG! Dogs and some species of dolphin totally understand us. And it isn't jabbering. Just because human brains can't process how fast we speak doesn't mean it's jabbering! And who cares if it's high-pitched? We have shorter vocal cords than you that vibrate at a high frequency!

**_They bear live young._ **

Of course we do! What do you think we are? Fairies?

Well, there we are. I, Jewel Almira (Lay off. It's a family name.) Rubypoppy, Quasi-Nymph of the Forest of Durmstrang, descendant of Daphne, Niece of Sylvia of Cornwall, have set the record straight.

Now, I just need to get it published.


End file.
